This post comes as a response to a Dear Abby column in which a women wrote to Dear Abby about a co-worker who keeps a picture of he stillborn child on her desk. The person writing says that most people in the office are appalled at the photo and asks whether or not it’s appropriate.
Dear Abby responds by saying that the photo is inappropriate and that if the woman wants to keep the photo near here she should keep it in a draw or in her purse. WHAT?! Would she ask mothers of living children to put their children away in a desk draw or in their purse?
Then she goes on to say “How very sad that poor woman must be.” Because she keeps a picture of her child on her desk? I’m sure if this woman had a picture of her child alive, she’s have that picture on the desk, but if this is all she has, why must she hide it?
Here are a couple of letters that were sent in to Dear Abby in response to this column by a couple of ladies at a message board that I frequent:
Dear Abby,
I recently read the advice that you gave a woman who worked with a woman who had put up pictures of her stillborn baby at the office. You had suggested that out of consideration to the letter writer, the grieving mother remove the picture. I have to say that as someone who has lost three pregnancies and who is a speaker/writer on the topic of pregnancy loss awareness, I am appalled by your lack of sensitivity and consideration for the grieving mother.
Grieving parents are often told to “get over” and move on from a pregnancy loss or stillbirth. We need time to grieve and to heal. The loss will be with us until our dying day and it is NOT something that we get over and should feel the need to keep silent about. Pregnancy loss happens every day. It happens to the upper class, middle class and lower class. It happens to African Americans, Caucasians, Hispanics, Jews, Buddhists, Mormons, Catholics, Muslims. It is something that touches women of every race, religion, social group yet it is still considered taboo.
If the grieving mother was mourning over her teenage child or an adult child, would the co-worker still feel the need to ask for the picture to be removed? I don’t think so. A child did not have to be born for it to matter or to mean something. From the moment we women see a positive sign on our pregnancy test, it is our baby. It’s hard enough that we didn’t get to say hello to our babies but you, Dear Abby, are asking us to say goodbye permanently.
I sincerely hope that you and this co-worker are never touched by the pain and heartache of pregnancy loss/stillbirth. It is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.
Sincerely,
Hannah Stone
Author of “Forever Our Angels”
Here’s one more letter that was sent in:
Dear Abby,
I have a co-worker who keeps a sonogram picture of her live inutero baby at her desk. It makes several of us very uncomfortable because any time we have to interact with her, the picture is there in plain view for everyone to see. Is this appropriate to hang up at work?
Several of us had miscarriages and will never give birth to a living child. Her picture serves only as a reminder of what we go through every day, so we would like the picture removed. Others say, “It’s a picture of her baby, that life growing inside of her. She should be able to have it in plain view.”
My co-worker is mean and bossy. I’m a nice person who is well-liked, and I do my job well. Why does she get to have a baby when I can’t? Please tell us how we can get her to take down that photo so that we don’t have to be reminded daily of what we have lost?
–WANT TO BE A MOTHER
We’ll see if Dear Abby prints any of these or others that I’m sure she’s getting from parents who’ve been through infant loss.
Technorati Tags: grief, Dear Abby, Infant Loss, stillborn, stillbirth, baby, children