Being pregnant after a loss is different. With my other pregnancies, I just assumed I’d have a happy, healthy baby in 9 months. I looked at the whole pregnancy as a long journey. This time, I’m really not allowing myself to look forward much. I have today and I am happy being pregnant today. I don’t know how many more days I’ll have. I do think about whether or not I’ll be able to handle another child at the beginning of the softball season. I think about how I’m going to be on the family trip we have planned to Disney World in September. So I suppose in some ways, I do look forward a bit, but not for long. I allow the thoughts, come up with an answer for the moment, then shut my brain down from continuing to think about the future. Why? Because what happens when I think about the future is, after a few minutes, another thought pops into my brain. Will I even still be pregnant then? Or will this end before it’s even really begun again? I don’t want to think about it. I don’t like where those questions lead. I don’t want to be more scared and worried than anything else. Right now I don’t even want to think about how sore my back is going to get or whether or not my feet will get swollen or when I’ll have a belly too big to fit into “regular” clothes. For now, I think about today. I am pregnant today, it makes me smile and I feel unbelievably blessed.
Will I be ready to go buy baby stuff early like last time? I don’t know. Right now, I’m not ready. I may never be. On the other hand maybe down the road I’ll gain some confidence and allow it. I want to tell friends and family this time because last time I didn’t and going through the loss without anyone knowing or having to tell them when they didn’t even know I was pregnant to begin with was hard. BUT, at the same time, I don’t know how to tell them. I want them to know, but for some reason, it’s also hard to talk about. I think we’ll start with the kids and let it go from there. Maybe I’m being wimpy because I know once the kids find out, they’ll blab it to everyone and I won’t have to do the telling. 
Tomorrow is another day. We’ll see how things go.
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