I can’t call it my first “ob” appointment because, technically, it’s not. I was going to put it off until I was 7-8 weeks along, but the receptionist said they need to do an appointment to “confirm pregnancy” before they can schedule me for an actual “ob visit.” So I go in for a “20 minute” visit on March 15th. I will be 6w3d then. I expect that my dr will try to do an ultrasound that day. He tried during “pregnancy confirmation” visit with my last pregnancy when I was only 5 weeks. So hopefully we do one and, hopefully, we see a healthy baby!
I have to tell you though, it’s scary to think about it. I don’t even know if I can look at the ultrasound screen when the time comes. I have two fears:
1. Something’s not right and we don’t see what we’re supposed to, just like last time.
2. That it’s just “too early” to see something and I’ll worry that something’s wrong even if nothing is.
I know some people see a heartbeat by this time. I would be so super happy if I could see that. But I also know that it may be too early for that. I’ll definitely be excited to see a yolk sac and fetal pole, but I’ll feel so much better if I see that heartbeat too. I know that even if I do, it doesn’t guarantee much, but at least I can go home knowing my baby has a heartbeat for that day, for that moment. Until I see it, I will wonder whether or not I ever will.
Because of my fears, because it’s scary to think about going in and doing an ultrasound, I’m really trying to just put the appointment out of my head. I’m trying not to think about it. I’m trying not to think about what might or might not happen. Honestly, I can’t go much further in my head than being in the chair with the ultrasound machine on. I can’t even see myself looking at the screen while the dr looks for the pregnancy. I’m not counting down days. I don’t know exactly how much longer until the appointment. I have a reminder on my phone so that I don’t forget it completely, but I’m definitely not counting down, going nuts waiting for the appointment to come like I used to.
Like I said a few posts back, “One day at a time” it’s all I’ve got. I don’t want to worry about the future, I just want to be happy with what IS right now. If I’m given more days, I’m given more days, if not, at least I enjoyed the ones I had. Right now I’m not strong enough to look forward to something that may never happen.
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