Our Unexpected Blessing…

It all started with that negative pregnancy test.  That brought about some mixed feelings.  Happiness to know that my body is progressing through this first cycle after m/c.  Happiness to know that any positive I get after this is not just “left over” hormones.  Sadness because it’s another confirmation that I am no longer pregnant. 

Turns out that right after that, I saw signs on my chart that point toward ovulation.  Of course I didn’t really realized it until it was already happening - in fact, I just starting figuring it out yesterday.  FF still hasn’t even drawn the ovulation line on my chart yet, but I’m sure it’ll be there within the next few days.  Looks like ovulation occured during this great weekend I had.  Is there a slim chance that we conceived?  Yes, but we didn’t give it a “all out” try, in fact we were putting in more of an effort to try to prevent conception.  But from past history, I know it doesn’t take much.  At the same time, however, I also know that after m/c, things can change.  Only time will tell if our weekend without the kids produced another.  The thought of being pregnant again brings about feelings of hope, but also feelings of wariness.  Right now, I’m not anxiously awaiting finding out.  If I am, I am, if I’m not, I’m not.  At this point, I don’t really know which way I want it to work out.  I had planned to try to wait until my Jan cycle to really try.  So if I’m not pregnant, I’m fine with just going with that plan.  If I am, I could probably find out around Christmas.  I just don’t know what to feel or think about it at this point and I don’t have the energy to worry about it either way.  I’m just taking things day by day right now. 

Just last night, we watched a recorded episode of Miami Ink (love that DVR).  On this episode a guy came in to get a tattoo in remembrance of his son.  His son passed away because he wandered into the driveway when his father was moving the car.  The father (the one getting the tattoo) said he was killed instantly.  What a heartbreaking story!  I can’t even imagine.  That made me cry.  Another family grieving/dealing with the loss of their child.  Their story, while different than mine, still tugged strongly at my heart strings. 

Then also last night, in my dreams, I dreamt I went to the doctors office and we saw a baby in an ultrasound.  The dr said baby was conceived on Dec. 9.  As you know from this post, I do have a dr appt tomorrow and I know that if we did conceive a baby on Dec. 9 there’s no way we’d see it in an u/s.  But it was such a moving dream.  We got such a good look at the baby and I just cried, in my dream, right there in the doctor’s office.  That picture I was seeing was what I had longed to see during my last pregnancy.  It was healing and saddening all at once.  Tears of joy and relief as well as tears for our loss welled up and fell.  I don’t know if I cried for real or just in my dream.  Normally if I do cry for real because of a dream, I wake up from the dream crying.  I did not wake up from this dream, but my eyes still feel like I probably cried in my sleep last night. 

Then this morning I visited PregnancyLoss.info (the message boards) and another woman there posted some wonderful poems.  I loved the first one and the last one she posted, but both brought tears to my eyes.  Just another experience that’s just full of emotion.  Not all bad, not all good, and very “mixed.”

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