Our Unexpected Blessing…

No, this is not for me.  But you know how they say that when you are strong enough to possible endure one more loss, you are ready to TTC again?  Well, I have tried again, I am pregnant again and things are going as well as they can at this point.  I’m only 7w4d, BUT my SIL, the one who found out she was pregnant the day I miscarried by angel, she found out today, at 22 weeks, that here baby is missing parts of it’s brain.  They did an MRI.  Her baby is missing the corpus callosum and lateral ventricles.  I don’t know that the diagnosis is lethal, but I’m assuming it is because they are sending her and her husband to patient counseling and told her that she still has time to terminate.

I was ready to survive another loss if I had to, but to see someone close to me go through a loss - that’s an entirely different story.  My heart is broken for her.  It so tough.  How I wish I could take all her pain and endure it for her.  How can something like this happen to both of us?  My loss was early and, of course, very different, but I was hoping that by going through it, it could somehow skip others in my family.  I went through it, I hurt, I cried, I grieved - spare my loves ones!  But it just doesn’t work that way.  My mother had 2 infant losses - preterm labor and I think an incompetent cervix.  If an infant or pregnancy loss could spare family, I would have never had to go through my loss because she already “paid the price.”  My MIL also had a loss and that did not spare her daughter this devastation.  I’m just reminded again of how many families are affected by infant/pregnancy loss.  There are so many!

I don’t know what their decision will be regarding this baby.  I hope she chooses to deliver this baby, be it early (if that’s an option) or later, letting nature take it’s course.  I believe every life is special and even if baby is only here for a little while, he or she will touch our lives greatly.  I don’t know that my SIL or BIL will get closure any other way.  It’s a very personal decision and I support them no matter what.  But I don’t know that I would be ready to let go just yet.  I think I would want to hang on to the time I have, even if baby is in utero and I just feel kicks and punches and hiccups.  I think I would want to hang on to that connection, that life for as long as I could.  But that’s me, and that’s easy for me to say because I am not in her exact position.

I know that if I hadn’t experienced my loss, I wouldn’t have a clue how she was feeling.  I wouldn’t be able to truly cry with her.  Yes, our losses are different, but I believe that I’m probably better able to help her in any way I can because of my loss.  I wish she didn’t have to experience this pain.  It’s her first pregnancy.  She just celebrated her first wedding anniversary earlier this year.  Her and her husband are good people, with good jobs and good hearts.  It seems so unfair.

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